On Nature vs. Nurture
When it comes to parenting an important concept I learnt some years ago is the “nature vs nurture”. Nature is the genetical influence given by the parents to the children. Nurture, many people, used to assume the way you bring up the kids. One may be a helicopter parent, tiger mom, idle parent or whatever principle we read and aspire to be. The research and excellent work by Judith Rich Harris in her seminal book, says it is not true.
The world that children share with their peer group, be it in school or other circumstances, is what influences and moulds their behaviour. It has a significant impact on the kids than the genes or our methods of parenting.
I have read this in theory, and I have always been sceptical as I have not seen in action in my son - till now.
My son is seven years old. He goes to a Montessori school. Like any parent, who wants to do the best for their kids, we took the oft-beaten path. Yes, Montessori, is still a fringe, non-mainstream thingie in India (or at least in Chennai). Long story short, I used to think of being very particular about the method of education is crucial. I even still believe so.
But what is astonishing for me was the influence of the peer group on my kid’s behaviour and learning. Yes, I don’t mean to say parenting doesn’t matter. The intrinsic motivation and inspiration that my son derives from his peer group is terrific.
My son was never enthusiastic about sports or outdoor activities like running or jogging. Just by playing with a group of 4 or 5 kids in my apartment community, he is very enthusiastic about cricket and running. The effort he puts in becoming a better runner or changing his food habits for running was astonishing. My son has been a selective and fussy eater, but after this running craze, he asks for protein-rich foods and vegetables. We never succeeded in our attempts for vegetables and proteins in the pre-running era.
It is the same as reading books as well. My son is a curious kid but never showed much interest in reading. That changed after interacting with two kids at school, interested in reading and learning things faster.
TL;DR version of my learning is: Parenting style matters but equally important is the influence of peers in their behaviour. As they say in the behaviour improvement literature, the environment has a much more significant impact, so better be conscious (and also picky) about it.